We are back…. well, "back"
How to seduce a Big XII Fan is a “how-to” guide for all the ladies and fellas out there looking to land (land=sex) that special someone that is a fan of a Big XII school. What to say, what to wear, how to act… these topics and more will all be covered as we go school by school in this recurring series that will definitely lead to increased sales of “House Divided” license plate frames. So read each section carefully, follow the instructions, then lay back and enjoy your latest Big XII fan conquest.
(Click here to read entire series.)
Welcome to the first of twelve (you knew there would be 12 right?.. apologies for the redundancy) installments of How to Seduce a Big XII Fan. The first school we will cover is Nebraska.
Click the Jump to acquire the skills that will guarantee getting this girl. (or for the lady(s) reading this, her male counterpart)
Lay of the Land
We will start with some background information. It is helpful to have a good idea of where a potential mate is coming from so you can better understand how to trick them.
Most Nebraska fans (affectionately known as Peliniacs) live in a cold, dark place where there are only 2 hours of sunlight in the winter (like Alaska, but more Nebr and less Al, and more corn), and it is required by law that everyone wear at least one piece of Husker gear at all times. Also fellas, they eat a lot of beef up there (double entendre!). Peliniacs are blissfully unaware of any sports besides football being associated with the University (except for those few years when they heard that NU had a decent baseball team), but they know everything, and have fantasized, about every football player that has ever been through Lincoln. If you meet a husker fan that you wish to get to know better (sex better), simply stick to the advice below and you will have that hot piece of pale in your bed faster than Bo Pelini can scream-choke a guy out (his patented finishing move).
What to Wear
Your attire is how you visually introduce yourself to a potential Big XII mate (at least the only visual part you can do anything about… you are stuck with that face of yours) and it is important to portray a look that the potential mate will find appealing.
In the case of the Nebraska fan there are two sides the attire debate. You could wear what they are used to: XXXL bright red Husker sweatshirts, goatees for the gentlemen, and maternity clothes for the ladies ([Fact] They start the families real young and keep em pregnant through their 20’s up there [End Fact]).
You could wear the clothes of their fantasies: Ladies, a Tom Osborne mask on the front, and a Bo Pelini mask on the back guarantees instant sex from a lot of angles. Fellas: a screenprint of Tom Osborne’s face on some undies with your something special poking through to act as the nose will score quick points.
Now that you are dressed the part, it is time to initiate some conversion. This can be the most intimidating part, but armed with these guaranteed winners you will be one step closer to less talking and more grunt-barking*.
*perfectly normal noise to make during sex says my therapist
When initiating conversation with your soon to-be-bedded Husker fan, remember that they are used to only discussing corn, beef, corned beef, football, and having kids. These lines should get them thinking more about your corn…beef…you get the idea.
“1971 ain’t got nothin on me….I have the Game of the Century.”
“I’m even MORE pale under my clothes.”
“So you’re a Cornhusker?…you seem more like a me-humper.. am I right?”
“Why don’t you bench the blackshirts and let me score?”
“Did you know Nebraska has a basketball team?..No?..Wanna take my parts and put them in your parts and vice-versa?”
“Did someone order the penis/vagina* on the cob? I have some right here that is freshly steamed and has been soaking in butter for 2 hours.”
*Say one or the other here, not both. That would be stupid and ruin a brilliant line.
So you have followed my advice to the letter and are now ready to take your special Big XII fan out for a night on the town. Where you take them says a lot about you and the right choice can quickly lead to some inter-fanbase love (or even better..non-loving fornication).
For the Nebraska fan I would suggest taking them somewhere they have never been before. Someplace they will see as exciting and exotic. Some ideas that fit into this category include: a basketball game, across state lines, anywhere that is not a field, a tanning salon, or a restaurant that serves salads and/or fish are all good choices. Just make sure that you make the experience feel special, but also safe. To a Nebraska fan, seeing a salad or a basketball game would be like you seeing an alien, or into the future. This will be startling to them and they will be scared. Comfort them and possibly use their fear to your advantage (sex-vantage).
During the Deed
So you have succeeded in bedding your Big XII crush. Congratulations. However, don’t go overboard high-fiving yourself and grunt-barking (see above) that you screw things up at this late stage. You are still in the zone where you will want to play your cards just right in order to secure potential future encounters. (re: more sex) Follow this advice and your recent Big XII conquest (and probably their even hotter friends) will be blowing up your Boost Mobile for months to come.
The Nebraska Fan prefers fornication as part of the act of starting a family at far too young of an age, however if you perform some or all of the following actions you can potentially get them to forget about this for the 10 minutes you are a part of them (gross) and get them to actually enjoy the act.
And that is all there is to it. Simple right? Just remember the core concepts of what makes a Nebraska fan tick (football, Osborne, Pelini, corn, beef, getting and staying pale, etc), follow the guidelines laid out for you above, and you will be husking some corn of your own in no time. Corn!
Up next: Oklahoma State Fan (fair’s fair).